I'll go ahead and warn y'all in advance: I really just can't see how I can blog about much besides our little boy right now. Maybe one day it'll happen, but not anytime soon! ;)
Being a mom is even better than I imagined it would be. Like marriage, no one can explain it to you, and you can't possibly anticipate how it will feel: you just have to experience it for yourself. Every time I look at Johnathan or hold him, my heart feels like it will simply overflow. When I see Matt cuddling him or staring at him, I feel blessed beyond words. Motherhood has been one of God's greatest gifts to me. (And I think Matt would say the same about fatherhood! ;) He's very much in love with his son!)
One of the things I never anticipated about being a mother was the fear that I would feel at times. While I was pregnant, I never felt fearful about motherhood. Because I helped so much with my siblings, I knew how to change diapers and give baths. I knew how to tell if babies were sick. I knew pretty much everything about caring for the physical needs of babies, but I never anticipated how I would feel about the spiritual and emotional needs of my child. Yes, I had read plenty of homeschooling and child training books, but I never fully understood what it meant to be responsible for a child's soul until I was holding Johnathan in the hospital one night by myself. The TV was on to provide me some noise while Matt slept, and I heard the TV "bleep" out a curse word. It would've never gotten under my skin before--I would've just changed the channel. But something about holding that completely innocent baby and hearing that "bleep" offended me so much! That's when I felt the fear rise up in me! If that little "bleep" offended me, how would I feel when Johnathan ventured out into the world on his own? I could turn off the TV, but how would I protect him from all the evil in this world? It's everywhere!
Being the control freak that I am, I know I'm going to continually struggle with the fact that God is in control. He's not only in control of me, but he's in control of our son. Johnathan is in my hands to a certain extent, but ultimately, God is in control of his life. He will protect him when I can't. What assurance!
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee." What an assuring thought. When I feel inadequate or scared of the big responsibility God has given us, all I have to do is put my fears in His hands. I must do what God has called me to do, and let Him take care of the rest.
3 comments:
I know the feeling Jordin. It's amazing how heavy the feeling of being responsible to care for another person can be. It's quite scary at times. Keep looking upward like you're doing :)
Been there, done that, on so many levels, Jordin. Still do to a certain extent even though Lizzie's an adult now. I think it's part of motherhood. The fear mellows into a lovely trust in our Lord God, as long as we continually give it up to Him.
My Lizzie and your Johnathan are His children, on loan to each of us. He will give you the wisdom, discernment, grace and strength to walk each day as He sees fit, dear lady.
Now. Could we please see more pictures of that darling little man? sigh. :o)
Oh, and one more thing. Don't you dare concern yourself with showing pictures or only talking of sweet Johnathan. I'm all ears. This is wonderful!!!
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